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[Well.. he sees the good in Xenk, doesn't mean he is good yet, but he's seen it when he helped in the nightmares, when he turned in his maker. He sees the potential for good, has seen proof of it, he thinks with some good influences, maybe Xenk could..

To see Xenk's face warm and to hear him express fondness.. OH. Oh. Okay, wow.

He's not sure he would call Edgin antagonistic towards anyone, he's not sure the man is capable of it, but regardless, he's curious.]

I mean, so you're fond of him, that's great. If you ever want, I would be happy to help you get along. Better. You know, give you some tips and tricks.

[ Oh, Jim. You've never seen Edgin and Xenk in an argument. The antagonism comes right out.

And yet, Xenk still feels something like fondness for him. With the more he recalls, the more he feels... empathy for the man's sorrow. It's strange indeed. So strange that he forgets to feel embarrassed when Kirk offers to help him. ]

Would you truly be willing to do this? Despite our differences?

[ Ah, but speaking of those differences. Xenk makes something like a concerned face. It's kind of a glare. ]

He is... very human. Where I am not. I do not wish to anger him, yet I fear my presence upsets him at times.

[He's never seen it, so he will have to wait to believe it.

He blinks a couple times because he didn't really think that Xenk would take him up on it, but he didn't offer it as a joke either. It was meant with sincerity, just... with the expectation of being rejected. Hm. Edgin might not want him to meddle buuuuut-- It's not like he's trying to help them have sex. Just get along.

Right?

Right.]

Yeah, I mean, he is really human, like there are times I feel more like a vampire than he does and I'm only half way there. You just got to tone.. all of this down. [He gestures to all of Xenk.]

But yeah, I think with some effort and time you two could be friends.

[ Xenk tilts his head in confusion. Kirk just gestured... all of him. ]

I do not know how to "tone" myself down. I am only ever myself.

[ He likes being himself. It's the same person he was in Kirk's dreams, he's just figuring out how to adjust himself to make room for... kindness. ]

I do agree that Edgin's humanity is particularly concerning for a vampire of ten years. It is compelling that he cares so deeply for his family, but... I worry that he has suffered more than is his place, simply because he blames himself.

Well, I'm not saying you have to stop being you, that wouldn't be genuine and he wouldn't like it. Just that... Edgin is soft and you just need to learn to be.. more gentle and kind, so you don't squish him... look, we'll work on it together.

[It was complicated. Xenk was a brick and Edgin was a like a dandelion, tough but delicate. If you throw a brick at it, you will smash it.]

And yeah.. I think it's good that he is who he is, he's not a classic vampire, we need people like him to keep vampires from forgetting the humanity needed to be kind to the humans under our care, but.. I worry too. He.. he's too harsh on himself. He-- yeah.

[He probably wishes that he died instead of Zia.]

Kindness. Yes, I have been told that kindness is needed to address him. I fear I am not well-versed in what is considered 'kind.'

[ Xenk can be kind, of course. He'd protected Kirk in his dream, he'd held Kira in his arms in Edgin's. But these were circumstances forced upon him -- his kindness, it seems, only came out when he was faced with unknown circumstances. If you asked Xenk to be kind, he'd probably offer up a thrall or new clothes. Gifts are kind?

He's a man who is a hammer, and to whom most problems look like nails. ]

Perhaps. There is some wisdom to connecting with the parts of us that are still human.

[ This is pretty wild coming from Xenk, but he's seen a lot more of Edgin lately, and he can see the value in his skills and the strength of his heart. Well, and he saw him half-naked, that was nice. Not the point, though. ]

He carries a great guilt in his heart. Even in the other life, where his daughter survived, he blamed himself for his wife's death. I fear the only benefit he 'enjoys' of his vampirism may be the ability to carry his guilt eternally.

Yeah, you really do. You were kind to me, in my dream. You're being pretty kind right now.

[He squeezes Xenk's hand.

Yeah well, a hammer will squish a dandelion if it treats it like a nail, so that's something to be worked on. Kirk will do his best, but he might be out of his league here.

Wait.. Kira is alive in the other life? In the memories? He.. he knows that it was said a few times that Zia died but... maybe that's why Edgin was so open to his idea..]

I mean... I can't really say you're wrong about that. What they did to him is shitty, here and in the memories. I.. [No, that was a conversation for when Edgin was here.] The grief he carries is a heavy one and he is buckling under it's weight lately.

[ Xenk looks down at their joined hands. Had the offer for touch been kind? He had sought to ground himself, perhaps. Or to have an added contact with Kirk, as he hoped their conversation might ultimately lead to his final decision. ]

Am I?

[ He really isn't sure. He must be like the wind... blow him away but keep him standing. Yes. He had seen the memory himself, of Kira surviving and the red wizards attacking Edgin's home. It doesn't occur to him that Kirk might not knows this, not with how close the two were. But then again, Xenk has been fairly open about his memories with Edgin and vice-versa. For all that they don't 'get along,' they are fated to interact, Xenk knows this. ]

Yes, I fear this is the case. I discovered him asleep in a precarious location several days ago. I was able to carry him to my room and grant him rest, but I fear that his sorrows will only grow with time.

[ Normally grief is supposed to fade with time, but this did not seem to be the case with Edgin. Of course, Xenk can kind of get it -- his own memories had made his memories so fresh that it was at times difficult to concentrate on the present. He shakes his head. ]

I do not wish this fate for him. Regardless of whether we were allies or friends in our memories, I feel as though I cannot rest while he remains in misery.

[ It's almost like... Xenk wants to do the right thing. For Edgin. Weird. ]

Well, maybe less kind and more sweet. Sweet goes a long way with him too, so long as you mean it.

[Kirk knows that maybe Edgin doesn't tell him everything to spare him or maybe to spare himself. Maybe because Kirk isn't in them so why would he share that? Either way, it is what it is and in a way he's glad to have learned it even if not from the source he would have liked to learn it from.

Oh, so Xenk found him drunk too?]

Yeah, I found him wasted too about a week ago. He's having a rough time, I think seeing his wife die again made it fresh, made it as real as if it happened yesterday. Which I can't blame him for.. I have food stashed all over the room again after my nightmares.

[He really does, if Xenk looks there's a bag of chocolates on his nightstand, a half eaten loaf of bread on his desk with a jar of jam. Who knows what's in the drawers.

But Kirk feels warmed by Xenk's sentiment, understands and even feels the same. He wishes he could do more for him, but he is at a loss. All he's doing right now is leaving their claim.. for a short time but leaving it all the same.

It fills him with grief to do so, but it has to happen at some point and things are only bound to get worse.]

Same. I.. I want to bring him happiness and ease his sorrow. I-- [Okay, go about this diplomatically] In a few weeks, there's something Edgin and I are going to come talk to you about, I can't say what it is yet, but when it happens.. just hear us out, okay? That's all I ask.

Edited 2024-02-16 17:10 (UTC)

I always mean everything I say.

[ Even the unkind things. But Xenk will navigate this idea of being "sweet" as best he can. If that is what Edgin likes, then he can try and indulge in a bit of sweetness. After all, he is still a powerful vampire, even if he shows the man kindness in his time of need. Even being kind, and patient, has rewarded Xenk thus far when it comes to Kirk. At least he hopes so. It's become hard to tell what he does to get his way, and what he does to make others happy. Very strange.

Just like how it feels strangely warm to hear that Edgin has been struggling. To think on his pain. Xenk considers this, but keeps his focus on Kirk at the moment. That's who he's here for. Even if they both care for Edgin. ]

I see. So the dream was tied to a memory for you as well.

[ They haven't exactly discussed the dreams in so much detail, but it's clear to the both of them that those came from a very real place. Xenk, whose dislike of his father has been rekindled and reframed thanks to the memory of his other past, and Kirk, with the memory of the child he'd been -- impoverished and desperate to flee from monsters who tried to kill him and the other children Xenk had seen. Xenk was not surprised to find more food in Kirk's room than usual, but he would have attributed this to the man's growing hunger as he nears his third season. This new, old context, makes some sense.

Though his question is a strange one. Xenk really has no clue what he could be talking about. Something Kirk and Edgin were working on together? ]

If you cannot say, why warn me of this now?

[ He doesn't want to assume, but some part of him wonders if Kirk is still intent on having two makers at his Becoming. While it wouldn't be impossible... ]

Is this related to your Becoming?

Edited (more xenk-like) 2024-02-16 18:01 (UTC)

Yeah, it was. All a memory except the night terrors attacking at the cave. I mean.. in reality they probably knew we were there and expected us to starve so they didn't bother us. But--

[He shakes his head. Because as much as they feared the attack, expected it, it never happened. Winter ended and most of them had survived in that cave, lucky to not get killed by bears or wolves. But that was hardly here nor there.

But to think Xenk's was a memory too, that poor child who just wanted the love and attention of his parents who were thralls... it seems they both saw into each other's childhoods.

Then the question throws him off, because.. okay yeah fair. But--]

Wait, what? No, no! ... Well, I mean, we'll discuss that in a minute. Just.. it seemed on topic to ask you to listen to us when we come to you later -- which you always listen when something is said to you so maybe it's redundant -- but it has nothing to do with my Becoming.

Edited 2024-02-16 18:18 (UTC)

I understand. My own dream was... it had been many, many years since I had thought upon my childhood.

[ And he understands not going into detail, either. His childhood was not great, as Kirk saw. He grew past it and surpassed it, but it was still... difficult. Too fresh after the memory of his other parents dying.

Better to focus on Kirk's other question, foreboding though it may be. ]

Very well. Even if it is unrelated to your Becoming, then I will swear to listen to you all the same.

[ What a strange thing to request, when Xenk always listens (he thinks he does.) ]

You will have my full attention, and I will be fully at your disposal, should you choose. I hope you understand this, James. As my novice, you may ask me for anything. I will do my utmost to ensure your safety and proper entry into the Gold Court.

[ He smiles, knowing. Perhaps fond? Not quite. He's too hopeful, and knows he'll only push Kirk away if he tries to force the subject. Xenk really wants this. But he pulls back, drawing his hand into his lap to avoid coming off too desperate. (It doesn't help.) ]

Though, I apologize. You wished to leave this matter for later in our discussion. Was there something else?

[Kirk blinks, not that he doesn't expect that Xenk would help him when he becomes his novice but to hear it so plainly laid out is a surprise to say the least. To know that he could ask for anything and Xenk will try for him.

It's heartening, especially when he's about to leave Edgin, who did the same, for him.

In a lot of ways, he thinks that Xenk needs him more than Edgin does. Not to say that Edgin does not need him and won't need him, but he can't help Edgin where he's at right now. He can help him more by being in Gold, they can claim again soon too... But Xenk.. Xenk has the potential to be a brighter beacon, he thinks that he could really help him see how to be a.. not better person, but a gentler one, a stronger one in a different way.

Besides, something about Xenk strikes him as... lonely. Still that little boy in many ways.]

I'm not sure there's much else that I can think to talk about... I guess we can get to the main course. Unless there's anything else you wish to address.

[ Xenk nods. He doesn't know it of course, but he'll benefit from being challenged, and benefit from having Jim's emotions assaulting him at all times, reminding him of what it meant to be human.

There's a good heart in there somewhere. Probably. But he means to adhere to what they agreed upon, and so he takes a moment to consider. They'd spoken of their memories for the most part, even Xenk's own confusing feelings towards Edgin. There really wasn't much else to say. ]

Indeed, it seems we have exhausted all other avenues of discussion. Did you wish to speak on your decision, and any specifics related to your potential change in courts?

[ Xenk is still trying to be respectful, though some part of him knows they wouldn't be having this conversation if Jim were to change his mind now. Right? ]

[It feels like everything has been building to this, but it was going to be anticlimactic, it was just going to be him saying "I'll become your novice" and that's it. Well sort of. But regardless, there was no pomp and circumstance, just them sitting in his room like this and he would be making a life and unlife changing decision.

It should feel bigger and more impressive than it does...

But he looks into those golden eyes and takes a deep breath--]

I've made my decision to join the Gold Court and become your novice. I wish to undergo the change at the end of the month before the change of season.

[That's it, it was done, why does he feel like all the air left his lungs?]

[ Xenk watches Kirk solemnly, noting his words with all the deadly severity they deserve. Of course, he hoped it was coming, but it is still a relief to hear him say it, and have his decision confirmed. ]

I accept your choice, and am glad to hear it. Truly.

[ Xenk takes Kirk's hand and simply holds it with care. He smiles at him with pride in his eyes, golden and gleaming. Surer than anything. ]

I shall begin to make arrangements for the change, and take into consideration your desired timeline.

Yeah... yeah, thanks.

[Yep, it was done. This would be a thing that would happen between them now. He put it off as long as he could but it was official. Set in stone in a way. Both Vampires knew now.]

I do have a couple things I want to ask for.. Argent said I should make a contract and demands but I think I would rather just ask. Because they are important to me.

[He squeezes Xenk's hand and when he has his attention he continues:]

I want to continue my relationship with Edgin. I know it's probably unorthodox and while I don't think you'll hold me back from it, I need to make sure.

You are free to ask.

[ And it's up to Xenk whether he grants those requests or not. But Xenk had decided to act with kindness, and he doesn't want to repeat the mistakes of the past, nor the mistakes his own maker made with him.

He swore he would do better. And so he simply would. Jim's future was important, but perhaps as Edgin said, so too was his happiness. And while it's highly unorthodox as Kirk himself said, Xenk has no good reason to stop the two from meeting. Moreover, it would make them both miserable to be forbidden from it. Such a choice would only breed resentment... It would be cruel. What Xenk hopes to foster in Kirk is not cruelty.

He nods. There should be room in Kirk's heart for more than just Edgin. ]

I understand. He is important to you. I would be a fool to attempt to sever this bond.

[ And he means it. He squeezes back. ]

Of course I hope you understand that I will take his place as your Maker. You should come to me for aid, where you once went to him. But the... emotional connection you and he share has no reason to vanish. And I will not prohibit you from seeing him.

Thank you. And of course, you'll be my maker in everyway and I think that we will develop our own bond, one that's already forming with our shared experiences. I like you Xenk.

[He means it, he thinks in many ways what he had with Edgin is not off course from what a maker/novice bond can be like. Not the norm because he doesn't see any other Makers falling in love with their novices, but he think that the emotional bond, the connection.. those will come with time between him and Xenk.]

The other thing is that.. I want Edgin at my becoming if he wants to be there. Not as a second maker or anything, just there. You would still get to do everything, but--

[After so long imagining Edgin there, he has trouble imagining it without him.]

Which is even more unorthodox. I just, if he wants to, I would like him there.

[ Xenk smiles. Wow. Something about just being told "I like you," makes his chest almost warm. How strange.

It's not quite enough to hide the confusion at Kirk's request, but perhaps it isn't so surprising. Edgin and Kirk truly do hold a strong bond. Was it enough to interfere with his Becoming? ]

It would be highly unorthodox, you understand... quite possibly dangerous, should he attempt to interfere.

[ He wants to say no, but Xenk has his own feelings about Edgin. The man is kind and gentle, yet his own wife and child were killed... Xenk frowns at the thought. A Becoming for someone so important to him would be difficult to bear. This is better than suggesting that he attempt the process with two makers, but still... ]

If this would bring you comfort, I will allow it. Should Edgin choose to. And so long as he does not interfere.

Edited 2024-02-18 04:47 (UTC)

[Part of him is expecting a no, to have the idea completely rejected, to have to argue it or make it something he has to demand, but then despite his concerns, Xenk is agreeing.. That makes Kirk blink and nod a little dumbly before he can think of anything to say in response.]

Yeah, yeah, of course! Should he, himself, choose to be there, then yeah. I already brought it up to him, he's thinking about it. I figure he can have as long as he needs.. well at least until my Becoming.

[Oh man, he really wants to get up and hug Xenk, but instead he just squeezes his hand again and nods.]

And that's it, that's all I am asking for. Otherwise I'm all yours.

[ Certainly if the question had come earlier in the season, Xenk would have rejected it outright. A novice's Becoming was private and personal, deeply so. The change toward undeath could be a difficult time to both of them, and things came to light that could very well change either of their fates. Xenk would know, after all.

But Xenk has remembered his pain in these last few months, he's recalled a life once lived and the fear of death, and losing everything. He was young, but so too is Kirk. He'd seen the kinds of hardship that the man had overcome. Even though it was simply a dream, he'd held him through death and felt Kirk's care for him in the memory of his past.

He knows not what he's getting into, but he wants to. For this man who belongs in the Gold Court, who could bring such good to the world. Who will be his. ]

Good.

[ Xenk squeezes Kirk's hand firmly, gratitude and anticipation too great for such a simple gesture. But this is Xenk, he doesn't really have the words or deeds to express himself. ]

I look forward to it, James. I hope that I will be a maker you can feel pride towards.

[ He doesn't say "like Edgin," but it feels obvious. Some part of Xenk can get a little competitive, even if he doesn't realize it himself. (It's so obvious though.) ]

[He hears the "like Edgin" and feels a pang of guilt, he's not here trying to compare or replace anyone. Edgin was like a dad to him (yes, one he fucked but that's besides the point), no one was going to replace him, but just like whatever he is gonna have with Xenk can't be replaced by Edgin. It'll be different by the very nature of how different these two men are from each other.

Not that he thinks Xenk is insecure, maybe competitive? He doesn't think saying any of that will change anything, so for now he gives Xenk a grin.]

I honestly can't imagine anything but. I'll leave everything in your hands.

[He pauses with a thought.]

Is there anything I should do on my end? I know Black Court will drain me of all my Blue blood and that you will then establish a maker bond with me by feeding me your blood, right?

[ It would be something they'd just have to get used to -- the comparisons to Edgin are inevitable, but Xenk knows that he won't avoid them by enforcing distance or prohibiting their connection. He will simply have to do better, and show Kirk that a bond between novice and Maker could be strong in a way of their own, whatever that looks like. Xenk truly sees it as a challenge to overcome -- he will do better, and he will support Kirk as a vampire should.

Even if Xenk himself is still learning what that may mean. ]

Excellent. You will have the best, I assure you.

[ The best the Gold Court has to offer, and the best of the last two seasons, if Xenk has his way. They would no doubt be the most difficult, but it would be well worth it. As for the process itself... ]

Intervention from the Black Court will not be required. As you are a novice, the process should take only moments. Edgin will need to sever his blood claim with you, and I will establish a new blood claim in his stead.

[ And though he's in good spirits about it, they've been talking about Edgin enough that Xenk adds: ]

Edgin may choose to be present, however severing a blood claim of your depth will no doubt be painful for both of you. You may feel a sense of loss, in the time between establishing the claim with myself. He will need time to readjust, as will you.

Edited (fixed for lore) 2024-02-18 20:33 (UTC)

That I don't doubt.

[Of course Xenk will give him the best, he expects that much of it. He wants that too, but to also be the best in return.

Though it sounds like he believe rumors that were false, that he won't be drained by the Black Court or anything like that. So it will only be changing makers and drinking blood from Xenk now? He wonders if that will make things more difficult in many ways, but that's what he signed up for going at this so late in the game.

The mention of what it will do to Edgin and him though..]

And yeah. Yeah, you're right. I'll leave that up to him, I.. it's gonna be hard enough as it is breaking our claim. But.. my goals are better served in Gold, that's a fact. I just need to... need to endure.

[Until he becomes a vampire, then he can claim again with Edgin, it would be fine.]

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