Xenk Yendar (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
partybabysitter) wrote2023-12-15 11:19 pm
partybabysitter) wrote2023-12-15 11:19 pmEntry tags:
undying inbox
Xenk Yendar
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partybabysitter) wrote2023-12-15 11:19 pm
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Kirk's choice to follow, however, finds him clenching his jaw. This is difficult to talk about, and emotions he hasn't analyzed much himself. ]
I believe it may be so, yes.
[ He focuses on Jim, perhaps putting some mental distance between himself and his emotions if he focuses outward rather than inward. ]
Edgin and I share a past, and it seems that both of our lives were changed and damaged by the same villain...
[ This is where he looks away, eyes cast back to the fire. Kirk had seen a version of Szass Tam from his dream. An exaggerated version, of course, but not too far from the truth. He'd killed the novice like it was nothing, no matter how Xenk begged and pleaded. It was a moment of both weakness and clarity. Recalling it draws a furrow to Xenk's brow. ]
My father—Szass Tam. Though he was not my father in that life.
[ This sure is a lot of talking to not address how he feels about Edgin. ]
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But for now he listens to what Xenk has to say about the matter, about the shared past.
There is a second where memory of Szass Tam seizes his heart and makes it pick up in pace because he remembers being choked, remembers the pain, watching Xenk plead for him, demand his release. But the nightmare hadn't relented.]
So.. Not only do you share memories with Edgin, but the same asshole that raised you is also in your memories? Well, the same but not. Is he what killed your parents and Zia?
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In a manner of speaking, I believe so. He was at the head of the organization that killed Edgin's wife. He and I... shared a homeland, called Thay.
[ At this, Xenk closes his eyes and drops his mask. Yeah, he'd been masking away the mark at his forehead. Kirk will be able to see that now. ]
Thay was destroyed and enslaved by Szass Tam. I recalled the moment it occurred, and the moment I fled from the curse that befell my home.
[ Even Xenk is getting a little emotional, thinking back on those memories that feel so old yet so fresh. ]
It is startling to think that the man who would... usurp the role of father in my life could have done such a thing. But I feel no shortage of relief to know that he is dead, and in no small part thanks to my influence.
[ Wow, he's never said that out loud before. It wasn't true, once. His feelings on the matter were so complicated. Now he speaks with surprising clarity. ]
I know not what role he played in this other life, outside of leading the red wizards and enslaving Thay, but I believe it is no coincidence that Edgin and I share a common enemy.
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Just listens to everything without a witty remark or anything, just taking it all in as Xenk shares the pain and memories in more detail than Edgin ever gave him. He doesn't mind, necessarily, but how Xenk talks about it all.. no mention of a metal ship, no weird words like "warpcore".. well Thay is pretty weird but that was a place. whatever regardless, it doesn't sound anything like his own memory.
Wait a hot second.]
Woah woah woah... you're maker is dead, because of your influence? You helped kill him? I mean the guy deserved it from what I saw and what you're saying, but.. wow.
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Indeed. My maker was conspiring to usurp the Council. On the night of my Becoming, when I drank his blood and was turned, I saw into his memories and felt his intentions as my own.
[ Xenk gives Jim's hand a little squeeze. This comes easier, this success that brought him such esteem in the Gold Court. And while Szass Tam's death had been the most painful experience in his life, he doesn't regret it for a second. ]
Knowing his actions to be unjust and against my new Court's tenets, I reported him to the proper authorities. He was executed swiftly, for his corruption ran deep. Experiencing my maker's death was excruciating, but well worth it.
[ It was a corruption Xenk rooted out proudly, you can tell from his tone. Even the pain was worth it to do well by his court. ]
It is no secret, and so I will tell you: before my Becoming, I was known as Xenk Tam. The name Yendar was the given name attributed to the parents who raised me as thralls. I took their name following Tam's death.
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He tries to think of it, tries to imagine doing that to Edgin or even Xenk and can't. The very idea seems abhorrent. The strength it took for Xenk to so that, to withstand it is immeasurable.
It's a lot to react to and he doesn't know where to start, so he says what comes to mind first.]
Yendar suits you. It's a good name. And it's good that you turned him in, must have been awful to go through, but.. it was good that you did. I'm impressed honestly.
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Perhaps he's only begun to feel such an emotion lately. He can't really say, having spent so many years since his parents could so much as regard him with care. ]
Thank you, James. I hope that is so.
[ He squeezes Kirk's hand. It's strange to hear those words—stranger from someone who Xenk holds in great esteem. It's not like he ever set out to impress Kirk, but it does feel nice to hear something like admiration from him. Xenk is well aware of how important it was that he turned on his Maker. He would not wish to live in a world where Szass Tam rose to power. He has already seen the cruelty the man was capable of. ]
You see, I believe the laws of our world are in place for a reason. The House of Summr's Day is meant to shine and steward our kind and the humans in our care. Selfish ambition holds no place in our ranks. I knew what Szass Tam wished was power, and nothing more. He needed to be stopped, and I do not regret my decision.
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[He believes that and is glad to hear that Xenk does too. That he upholds the good of the Gold court, something that Kirk also hopes to uphold one day. To use to make the world better than it is. There will always be bad eggs, but he wants to see to what is right for the humans and vampires of this world. He truly believe that harmony is possible.
He squeezes Xenk's hand and sees the good in the man before him, saw it in the dreams too, but right now he sees it in the man before him. ]
So, you think in your memories that you share a similar enemy? Or well know you do. And that has got you to.. what, like Edgin now?
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He isn't sure about good just yet, that may still take time. But Xenk lives on a set of very strict rules, and even if he is slowly seeing the nuance to some of them, he'll always find comfort in the known.
The unknown, however, is difficult to define. Xenk's own feelings towards Edgin are one of those unknowns. ]
I... am unsure. [ That much he can say. And Kirk is being kind enough to listen, so of course Xenk will do his best to speak what he knows. Even if his face warms to think on it. Why is it doing that? He's dead. ] My memories of Edgin are such that I recall a certain fondness towards him, despite his antagonism towards me. It feels not dissimilar to the dynamic we share at present.
[ It's extremely different actually but Xenk is drawing the conclusions he wants, ok. ]
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To see Xenk's face warm and to hear him express fondness.. OH. Oh. Okay, wow.
He's not sure he would call Edgin antagonistic towards anyone, he's not sure the man is capable of it, but regardless, he's curious.]
I mean, so you're fond of him, that's great. If you ever want, I would be happy to help you get along. Better. You know, give you some tips and tricks.
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And yet, Xenk still feels something like fondness for him. With the more he recalls, the more he feels... empathy for the man's sorrow. It's strange indeed. So strange that he forgets to feel embarrassed when Kirk offers to help him. ]
Would you truly be willing to do this? Despite our differences?
[ Ah, but speaking of those differences. Xenk makes something like a concerned face. It's kind of a glare. ]
He is... very human. Where I am not. I do not wish to anger him, yet I fear my presence upsets him at times.
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He blinks a couple times because he didn't really think that Xenk would take him up on it, but he didn't offer it as a joke either. It was meant with sincerity, just... with the expectation of being rejected. Hm. Edgin might not want him to meddle buuuuut-- It's not like he's trying to help them have sex. Just get along.
Right?
Right.]
Yeah, I mean, he is really human, like there are times I feel more like a vampire than he does and I'm only half way there. You just got to tone.. all of this down. [He gestures to all of Xenk.]
But yeah, I think with some effort and time you two could be friends.
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I do not know how to "tone" myself down. I am only ever myself.
[ He likes being himself. It's the same person he was in Kirk's dreams, he's just figuring out how to adjust himself to make room for... kindness. ]
I do agree that Edgin's humanity is particularly concerning for a vampire of ten years. It is compelling that he cares so deeply for his family, but... I worry that he has suffered more than is his place, simply because he blames himself.
cw: mention of someone possibly wishing they died
[It was complicated. Xenk was a brick and Edgin was a like a dandelion, tough but delicate. If you throw a brick at it, you will smash it.]
And yeah.. I think it's good that he is who he is, he's not a classic vampire, we need people like him to keep vampires from forgetting the humanity needed to be kind to the humans under our care, but.. I worry too. He.. he's too harsh on himself. He-- yeah.
[He probably wishes that he died instead of Zia.]
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[ Xenk can be kind, of course. He'd protected Kirk in his dream, he'd held Kira in his arms in Edgin's. But these were circumstances forced upon him -- his kindness, it seems, only came out when he was faced with unknown circumstances. If you asked Xenk to be kind, he'd probably offer up a thrall or new clothes. Gifts are kind?
He's a man who is a hammer, and to whom most problems look like nails. ]
Perhaps. There is some wisdom to connecting with the parts of us that are still human.
[ This is pretty wild coming from Xenk, but he's seen a lot more of Edgin lately, and he can see the value in his skills and the strength of his heart. Well, and he saw him half-naked, that was nice. Not the point, though. ]
He carries a great guilt in his heart. Even in the other life, where his daughter survived, he blamed himself for his wife's death. I fear the only benefit he 'enjoys' of his vampirism may be the ability to carry his guilt eternally.
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[He squeezes Xenk's hand.
Yeah well, a hammer will squish a dandelion if it treats it like a nail, so that's something to be worked on. Kirk will do his best, but he might be out of his league here.
Wait.. Kira is alive in the other life? In the memories? He.. he knows that it was said a few times that Zia died but... maybe that's why Edgin was so open to his idea..]
I mean... I can't really say you're wrong about that. What they did to him is shitty, here and in the memories. I.. [No, that was a conversation for when Edgin was here.] The grief he carries is a heavy one and he is buckling under it's weight lately.
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Am I?
[ He really isn't sure. He must be like the wind... blow him away but keep him standing. Yes. He had seen the memory himself, of Kira surviving and the red wizards attacking Edgin's home. It doesn't occur to him that Kirk might not knows this, not with how close the two were. But then again, Xenk has been fairly open about his memories with Edgin and vice-versa. For all that they don't 'get along,' they are fated to interact, Xenk knows this. ]
Yes, I fear this is the case. I discovered him asleep in a precarious location several days ago. I was able to carry him to my room and grant him rest, but I fear that his sorrows will only grow with time.
[ Normally grief is supposed to fade with time, but this did not seem to be the case with Edgin. Of course, Xenk can kind of get it -- his own memories had made his memories so fresh that it was at times difficult to concentrate on the present. He shakes his head. ]
I do not wish this fate for him. Regardless of whether we were allies or friends in our memories, I feel as though I cannot rest while he remains in misery.
[ It's almost like... Xenk wants to do the right thing. For Edgin. Weird. ]
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[Kirk knows that maybe Edgin doesn't tell him everything to spare him or maybe to spare himself. Maybe because Kirk isn't in them so why would he share that? Either way, it is what it is and in a way he's glad to have learned it even if not from the source he would have liked to learn it from.
Oh, so Xenk found him drunk too?]
Yeah, I found him wasted too about a week ago. He's having a rough time, I think seeing his wife die again made it fresh, made it as real as if it happened yesterday. Which I can't blame him for.. I have food stashed all over the room again after my nightmares.
[He really does, if Xenk looks there's a bag of chocolates on his nightstand, a half eaten loaf of bread on his desk with a jar of jam. Who knows what's in the drawers.
But Kirk feels warmed by Xenk's sentiment, understands and even feels the same. He wishes he could do more for him, but he is at a loss. All he's doing right now is leaving their claim.. for a short time but leaving it all the same.
It fills him with grief to do so, but it has to happen at some point and things are only bound to get worse.]
Same. I.. I want to bring him happiness and ease his sorrow. I-- [Okay, go about this diplomatically] In a few weeks, there's something Edgin and I are going to come talk to you about, I can't say what it is yet, but when it happens.. just hear us out, okay? That's all I ask.
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[ Even the unkind things. But Xenk will navigate this idea of being "sweet" as best he can. If that is what Edgin likes, then he can try and indulge in a bit of sweetness. After all, he is still a powerful vampire, even if he shows the man kindness in his time of need. Even being kind, and patient, has rewarded Xenk thus far when it comes to Kirk. At least he hopes so. It's become hard to tell what he does to get his way, and what he does to make others happy. Very strange.
Just like how it feels strangely warm to hear that Edgin has been struggling. To think on his pain. Xenk considers this, but keeps his focus on Kirk at the moment. That's who he's here for. Even if they both care for Edgin. ]
I see. So the dream was tied to a memory for you as well.
[ They haven't exactly discussed the dreams in so much detail, but it's clear to the both of them that those came from a very real place. Xenk, whose dislike of his father has been rekindled and reframed thanks to the memory of his other past, and Kirk, with the memory of the child he'd been -- impoverished and desperate to flee from monsters who tried to kill him and the other children Xenk had seen. Xenk was not surprised to find more food in Kirk's room than usual, but he would have attributed this to the man's growing hunger as he nears his third season. This new, old context, makes some sense.
Though his question is a strange one. Xenk really has no clue what he could be talking about. Something Kirk and Edgin were working on together? ]
If you cannot say, why warn me of this now?
[ He doesn't want to assume, but some part of him wonders if Kirk is still intent on having two makers at his Becoming. While it wouldn't be impossible... ]
Is this related to your Becoming?
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[He shakes his head. Because as much as they feared the attack, expected it, it never happened. Winter ended and most of them had survived in that cave, lucky to not get killed by bears or wolves. But that was hardly here nor there.
But to think Xenk's was a memory too, that poor child who just wanted the love and attention of his parents who were thralls... it seems they both saw into each other's childhoods.
Then the question throws him off, because.. okay yeah fair. But--]
Wait, what? No, no! ... Well, I mean, we'll discuss that in a minute. Just.. it seemed on topic to ask you to listen to us when we come to you later -- which you always listen when something is said to you so maybe it's redundant -- but it has nothing to do with my Becoming.
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[ And he understands not going into detail, either. His childhood was not great, as Kirk saw. He grew past it and surpassed it, but it was still... difficult. Too fresh after the memory of his other parents dying.
Better to focus on Kirk's other question, foreboding though it may be. ]
Very well. Even if it is unrelated to your Becoming, then I will swear to listen to you all the same.
[ What a strange thing to request, when Xenk always listens (he thinks he does.) ]
You will have my full attention, and I will be fully at your disposal, should you choose. I hope you understand this, James. As my novice, you may ask me for anything. I will do my utmost to ensure your safety and proper entry into the Gold Court.
[ He smiles, knowing. Perhaps fond? Not quite. He's too hopeful, and knows he'll only push Kirk away if he tries to force the subject. Xenk really wants this. But he pulls back, drawing his hand into his lap to avoid coming off too desperate. (It doesn't help.) ]
Though, I apologize. You wished to leave this matter for later in our discussion. Was there something else?
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It's heartening, especially when he's about to leave Edgin, who did the same, for him.
In a lot of ways, he thinks that Xenk needs him more than Edgin does. Not to say that Edgin does not need him and won't need him, but he can't help Edgin where he's at right now. He can help him more by being in Gold, they can claim again soon too... But Xenk.. Xenk has the potential to be a brighter beacon, he thinks that he could really help him see how to be a.. not better person, but a gentler one, a stronger one in a different way.
Besides, something about Xenk strikes him as... lonely. Still that little boy in many ways.]
I'm not sure there's much else that I can think to talk about... I guess we can get to the main course. Unless there's anything else you wish to address.
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There's a good heart in there somewhere. Probably. But he means to adhere to what they agreed upon, and so he takes a moment to consider. They'd spoken of their memories for the most part, even Xenk's own confusing feelings towards Edgin. There really wasn't much else to say. ]
Indeed, it seems we have exhausted all other avenues of discussion. Did you wish to speak on your decision, and any specifics related to your potential change in courts?
[ Xenk is still trying to be respectful, though some part of him knows they wouldn't be having this conversation if Jim were to change his mind now. Right? ]
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It should feel bigger and more impressive than it does...
But he looks into those golden eyes and takes a deep breath--]
I've made my decision to join the Gold Court and become your novice. I wish to undergo the change at the end of the month before the change of season.
[That's it, it was done, why does he feel like all the air left his lungs?]
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I accept your choice, and am glad to hear it. Truly.
[ Xenk takes Kirk's hand and simply holds it with care. He smiles at him with pride in his eyes, golden and gleaming. Surer than anything. ]
I shall begin to make arrangements for the change, and take into consideration your desired timeline.
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