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[partybabysitter]

Xenk Yendar

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[juiceofthevine]

In the memory, she was about the age she was when I last saw her.

I just--If they punished me by sending me to prison, maybe they didn't punish me by hurting her.

[partybabysitter]

This seems most likely. It would be irrational to imprison you and further torture you by harming your family. I know not the circumstances that led to your imprisonment, but perhaps this memory, while unfortunate, is a blessing of its own.

[juiceofthevine]

What the Gold Court did to me was irrational.

[partybabysitter]

I agree.

[ How weird... these words make Xenk feel. Weird. Uncomfortable. Heavy. Is this guilt he feels? For what? He had no say in Edgin's treatment, and yet... he feels very strange. ]

I would hope that such cruelty is not common. But I understand that this may not be so.

[juiceofthevine]

[ Oh.

That's not a response he was expecting. ]

Enthrallment seems to be their preferred method before murder.

[partybabysitter]

[ Oh, here we go... ]

Is this not preferable? Enthrallment can be undone, where death is final.

[juiceofthevine]

Is that a legitimate question? It's not much better. Those people are forced to do vampire's biding for the entirety of their lives.

[partybabysitter]

It is a legitimate question.

A thrall's thoughts are their own. Though they are forced to act within certain parameters, they still hold personalities, likes, dislikes, and familial connections. They have their memories, and they can be freed.

[juiceofthevine]

So they're prisoners in their own bodies. And you know as well as I do they have no hope of being freed short of being a Foundling.

[partybabysitter]

It is possible. Although it is rare.

[ Xenk thinks of his parents, of their horrified faces and the way they'd pushed him away. It aches in his heart now, having seen them turned to so much worse by Szass Tam in his memories. How could death be preferable? They were happy now, weren't they? They must be. ]

The alternative is far worse. Our society hinges on their compliance, unwilling as it may be.

[juiceofthevine]

I'm not going to argue this with you like it's a philosophy class. And certainly not on the journals.

[ otherwise he might say something really damning like fuck vampire society and it'll be in writing ]

[partybabysitter]

Of course, I understand.

[ He doesn't, but he's getting an inkling. Kind of. It starts with guilt and it bleeds into doubt and Xenk wants to push it away, but it's too late now. It's tied into how he feels about Edgin, and how he feels about who he used to be... this might be a conversation to have in person, yeah. ]

In any case, I believe it is good news that your daughter was spared from her fate. And that your imprisonment was not permanent.

[juiceofthevine]

Yeah. Yeah, that's good for that version of me I guess.

[partybabysitter]

Indeed. It is of little comfort to you now.

I know that my sympathies may not be appreciated or warranted, but know that I am sorry for your loss nonetheless.

[juiceofthevine]

[ He wants to be mad. For so long he's felt only guilt, and hasn't carried anger towards the gold court vampires who actually killed them.

Xenk should be the perfect target, the consummate gold court vampire. But Edgin knows it wasn't Xenk's fault and he knows Xenk is...trying, which is still strange but no less true. ]

It's like you said, it's torture on top of everything else. Forced to live forever with that loss.

[partybabysitter]

[ It's OK, Edgin, you made Xenk feel guilt for the first time, that's an achievement. Plus Xenk is about to say something stupid, so Edgin should totally get mad. ]

It is cruel. You did not ask for this life, and for that I can see how this would be a punishment.

You are defined by your pain. Yet, is this what your family would want for you?

[juiceofthevine]

Don't do that. You don't get to speculate about what they'd want.

[partybabysitter]

Very well. I will not.

However, you seem to believe that carrying their loss for an eternity is your punishment. I understand this is likely what the vampire who killed them intended for you, but it need not be so.

Would it not prove him wrong to find a new meaning in your unlife? This would not preclude you from mourning your family.

[juiceofthevine]

Funny you should mention finding meaning when I had a novice this year. And what happened there, Xenk?

[ oh they're doing this it's happening ]

I seem to recall someone insisting Blue Court wasn't worth his time.

[partybabysitter]

[ Oh, it's happening, huh!! Xenk is not backing down. ]

James was not suited for the Blue Court. This is a fact you understand as well, or you would have kept him from changing.

A novice is temporary. While he may have given you purpose temporarily, he would have been yours for only a year. What would you have done then?

[juiceofthevine]

This is exactly my point! Novices are temporary to you, but that's not the case for the rest of us. We don't just discard people when we're done with them.

You can't just abandon Jim like you did all the rest of your novices. Even if you don't manage to physically kill him, you'll tear his heart apart.

[partybabysitter]

I have no intention of abandoning him, Edgin. I am aware of my mistakes in my prior attempts and do not intend to repeat them.

I expect James will wish to foster his own life and relationships following his graduation. He is strong-willed and independent. While guiding him and caring for him will be my purpose until that day, it is temporary.

[ Xenk's maker died after his Becoming, he really doesn't think a Maker's duty goes past their novice's fourth season... ]

[juiceofthevine]

Founders, it's like trying to reason with a brick wall. You just really don't get it, do you?

Don't lecture me again about my choices.

[partybabysitter]

If there is something I am misunderstanding, please enlighten me.

I did not intend to "lecture" you. Merely I believe you deserve better than an unending existence committed only to your own sorrow and grief.

[juiceofthevine]

I keep telling you. Jim cares about people with his whole heart--he's not going to just want to walk away when it's over. He'll look to you for guidance. He'll want to know you care about him. That's wishful thinking, it seems, but he's the one that made that choice.

Why do you care about what I deserve?